NOTE: This article has been revised and updated by the author to enhance and add content based on current best practices (December 2025)
The holidays are often called the most wonderful time of the year, but for many of us, they feel like anything but. If you find yourself dreading family gatherings, worrying about money, or bracing for uncomfortable conversations, you’re far from alone. As a therapist who has worked with clients navigating holiday stress for over two decades, I can tell you that what you’re feeling is completely normal and valid.
Whether you’re dealing with difficult in-laws, navigating your own family’s dynamics, or managing the emotional weight of the season, this guide offers practical, therapist-backed strategies to help you not just survive the holidays, but actually find moments of genuine connection and peace.
Our individual therapy team at Bergen Counseling Collective, led by Jeremiah Bergen, MS, LCPC, helps clients navigate this. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to talk with a therapist.
What Makes the Holidays So Stressful?
Before diving into strategies, it helps to understand why this time of year hits so hard. Holiday stress isn’t a personal failing; it’s a natural response to a genuinely challenging situation.
Financial pressure tops the list for many families. Between gifts, travel, and hosting, December can strain even stable budgets. Add to that the emotional labor of coordinating schedules, preparing meals, and managing expectations, and it’s no wonder exhaustion sets in before the first ornament goes up.
Then there’s the family piece. Spending extended time with relatives often means stepping back into old roles and dynamics we’ve long outgrown. The successful professional who feels like a teenager again the moment they walk through their parents’ door. The person who has done years of personal growth work, only to feel it unravel within hours of a family dinner. These experiences are incredibly common.
For others, the holidays highlight painful absences, whether through loss, estrangement, or circumstances that keep loved ones apart. The cultural messaging about joyful family togetherness can make these realities feel even heavier.
Setting Boundaries With Family During the Holidays
For many people, returning home or spending extended time with relatives means rejoining an environment where old patterns run deep. Maybe there’s a history of arguments, criticism, or dynamics that leave you feeling drained. Having these feelings stirred up can make the holidays genuinely difficult.
If interacting with certain family members feels challenging, remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Setting boundaries is essential to your wellbeing, and it’s also a normal part of healthy relationships. That said, doing so may bring up feelings of guilt or discomfort, especially if boundaries have been unclear or absent in the past.
Understanding What Boundaries Actually Are
Boundaries aren’t about controlling or punishing the other person. They’re about protecting your own peace and wellbeing. Think of it this way: if your great aunt offers you a third slice of pie after dinner, you’d probably turn it down. Not because you want to stop her from offering pie to anyone, but because you know another slice isn’t what you need right now. You’re making a choice about what’s right for you.
The challenge comes when that great aunt starts insisting you really should take that third slice, or when family members push harder on things that matter more than dessert: unsolicited life advice, political commentary, religious beliefs, questions about your relationship status, career choices, or family planning. These topics are often raised by well-meaning relatives, though sometimes they’re brought up specifically to provoke a reaction.
How to Set a Boundary: A Practical Example
Setting boundaries works best when you start with a clear request and follow up with the boundary itself if needed. A boundary is different from a request because it includes an action you’ll take. Here’s how this might look in practice:
Your aunt asks: “So! You two aren’t getting any younger! When are you going to have kids?”
Your response (the request): “I love spending time with everyone over the holidays, but that’s just not something I want to get into right now. I heard you’re planning a trip soon, tell me about that!”
Your aunt continues: “Yes, yes, but you both really should start thinking about when you want to have kids. You do want kids, right?”
Your response (the boundary): “I appreciate your concern, but like I said, it’s not something I want to talk about right now. I’ve been looking forward to catching up with you, but if we’re going to keep circling back to this, I’m going to go join the others in the living room.”
What happened here? You let your aunt know that if she continued pressing, you would end the conversation. Is she thrilled? Probably not. She might even mention it to your mom later. But you communicated what was and wasn’t okay with you without being disrespectful. In this case, your aunt decided that catching up with you mattered more to her than pushing the topic.
These conversations don’t always go this smoothly. Setting boundaries takes practice and does create some tension. But with time, it often leads to healthier interactions and, sometimes, genuine improvement in relationships.
Setting Digital and Social Media Boundaries
Something that wasn’t as relevant when I first wrote about holiday stress years ago: the role of phones and social media. Family gatherings now often come with an audience, whether that’s relatives posting photos without asking, group chats that continue the drama long after you’ve gone home, or the pressure to perform holiday happiness for social media.
It’s okay to ask that photos of you or your children not be posted without permission. It’s okay to mute group chats when you need space. It’s okay to put your phone away entirely and be present, or to step away to scroll for a few minutes as a breather. The goal is intentionality: choosing how you engage with technology during family time rather than letting it happen to you.
Managing Expectations: The Hidden Source of Holiday Stress
Much of the conflict and disappointment we experience during the holidays comes down to unspoken expectations. We carry mental pictures of how things “should” go, and when reality doesn’t match, frustration follows.
Having the Conversation Before the Gathering
One helpful strategy is to discuss expectations with family ahead of time. If money stress is your main concern, clarify expectations around gifts: How many? How much to spend? Could you do a gift exchange or set a spending limit? If time together feels overwhelming, don’t be afraid to clarify arrival times and how long you’re expected to stay.
These conversations can feel awkward, but they prevent much bigger problems down the road.
Checking in With Yourself
Don’t forget to have this conversation with yourself, too. Take some time for reflection before the holidays arrive. What are you actually feeling about the upcoming gatherings? Maybe there’s anxiety because you expect things to go poorly. Maybe there’s sadness because the reality of your holidays doesn’t match the magical memories from childhood, or the images you see everywhere this time of year.
Whatever you’re feeling, understanding it helps you respond more intentionally rather than simply reacting.
Setting Expectations Around What You Can Control
Here’s something I see often in my work with clients: we set our expectations based on how others will behave or how situations will unfold. The problem is that other people’s behavior and words are completely outside our control. When we base our emotional state on things we can’t control, we give away our power.
Less helpful: “The only way Christmas will be okay is if mom doesn’t comment on my weight.”
More helpful: “Christmas will go better if I’m able to manage my own reactions and set a boundary if mom comments on my appearance.”
The difference is subtle but significant. In the first scenario, your entire holiday hinges on someone else’s behavior. In the second, you’re acknowledging the challenge while keeping agency over your own experience.
Watch Out for “Shoulds”
Pay attention to your internal dialogue during the holiday season. Are you telling yourself you “should” be more excited? That you “should” be enjoying this more? That you “should” feel grateful instead of stressed?
These “should” statements add a layer of guilt on top of whatever you’re already experiencing. Now you’re not just dreading the holidays; you’re also feeling bad about dreading them. It compounds the problem.
Try replacing “should” with “could.” It sounds like a small change, but notice how it shifts things. “I should feel happier about this” becomes “I could feel happier about this.” The pressure lifts. You’re acknowledging possibility without demanding it of yourself.
Sometimes acting “as if” you’re in the holiday spirit for a short stretch can actually shift your mood; there’s research supporting this idea. But it’s equally valid to excuse yourself when you’ve hit your limit. Find a quiet space, take some time to recharge, and rejoin when you’re ready. Take things an hour at a time. Look for the small moments that do bring you genuine enjoyment, and let yourself lean into those.
Staying “Adult” When Old Patterns Pull You Back
Here’s something many people recognize but rarely name: going home as an adult often means emotionally regressing to whoever you were when you last lived there.
Have you ever found yourself storming up the stairs to your old room after a minor disagreement with a parent, only to think moments later, “What just happened?” You’re not alone. When we return to the places and people from our past, there’s a pull to slip back into old roles and reactions.
This is the same reason you might find yourself staying out way too late with old college friends even though you haven’t partied like that in a decade. In that moment, you’re not in your thirties or forties with a career and responsibilities. You’re 21 again.
The same dynamic plays out at family gatherings. Petty arguments with siblings. Power struggles with parents. Eye rolling. Crossed arms. Whatever patterns defined your teenage years can resurface without you even noticing.
When you feel yourself slipping into old patterns, pause. Take a breath. Remind yourself of who you are now. You’ve grown. You’ve changed. You have decades of life experience and wisdom you didn’t have then. Respond from your adult self, not from the teenager you used to be.
Navigating Difficult Conversations and Political Tension
Let’s be honest: family gatherings in recent years have become more challenging as political and social divisions have deepened. Many families now include members with genuinely different worldviews, and the holidays can bring those differences into sharp relief.
You have options here. Some families successfully establish “no politics at dinner” agreements. Others find that certain relationships require more significant boundaries, including limiting contact or choosing not to attend certain gatherings. Neither approach is wrong; what matters is what protects your wellbeing and aligns with your values.
If you find yourself in a heated moment, the same principles apply: you can make a request (“I’d rather not discuss this today”), and if it’s not respected, you can set a boundary (“I’m going to step outside for some air”). You don’t have to convince anyone or change their mind. Your only job is to take care of yourself.
When the Holidays Bring Grief or Difficult Emotions
For some, holiday stress goes beyond family dynamics. The season can intensify grief after losing someone you love, highlight the pain of estrangement, or amplify loneliness for those who don’t have family to gather with.
If this resonates with you, please know that your feelings are valid. There’s no timeline for grief, and the holidays don’t pause it. Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to skip traditions that feel too painful, to create new rituals that honor what you’ve lost, or to simply let this season be imperfect and hard.
If you’re experiencing loss or complex family situations, working with a therapist who specializes in grief or family-of-origin issues can provide meaningful support during this season and beyond.
Taking Care of Yourself This Holiday Season
Whatever situation you’re walking into over the holidays, prioritizing your own wellbeing isn’t optional; it’s essential. That might mean building in alone time during visits, maintaining routines that ground you like exercise, sleep, or meditation, or giving yourself full permission to leave early if you need to.
The holidays don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to match anyone else’s expectations, including the expectations you’ve placed on yourself. They just have to be navigable. And with the right strategies and support, they can even hold moments of genuine warmth and connection.
We’re Here to Help
If you’re having a difficult time coping with the holiday season, or if family stress is something you deal with year-round, reaching out to a therapist can make a real difference. At Bergen Counseling Center, we work with individuals and couples navigating anxiety, relationship challenges, trauma, and the complex dynamics that family brings. We offer in-person therapy in Chicago’s Ravenswood neighborhood as well as online therapy throughout Illinois.
Whether the holidays bring up couples conflict or you’re navigating the season solo, our individual therapy services can help you process family dynamics, manage seasonal stress, and build the emotional resilience the holidays demand.
Wishing you moments of peace this holiday season from the Bergen Counseling Collective.
Clinically reviewed by Jeremiah Bergen, MS, LCPC, founder of Bergen Counseling Collective.
